Marriage; the unselfish sacrifice

In his 2008 Conference address, Elder Russell M. Nelson, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught: “Mortal misunderstandings can make mischief in a marriage. In fact, each marriage starts with two built-in handicaps. It involves two imperfect people. Happiness can come to them only through their earnest effort. Just as harmony comes from an orchestra only when its members make a concerted effort, so harmony in marriage also requires a concerted effort. That effort will succeed if each partner will minimize personal demands and maximize actions of loving selflessness” (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/celestial-marriage?lang=eng)

I could not agree more with Elder Nelson. Marriage does in fact involve two imperfect people. Happiness and harmony in married life requires earnest, daily effort.  Above all else, marriage is about putting the needs of someone else above our own.

In all marriages- as with everything we experience in this life- there will be ups and downs.  Disagreements come, like rain, threatening to ruin a perfectly sunny day. Disagreements in a marriage consist of many things. They range in importance and severity. In his book entitled: The seven principles for making marriage work, John Gottman explained four devastating attacks spouses use in arguments. He appropriately names these four deadly actions as the: “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” (1999, p. 27). 
The Four Horsemen are listed below:

1.    Criticism

2.    Contempt

3.    Defensiveness

4.    Stonewalling

Gottman’s book goes on to say explain that having disagreements in a marriage do not doom a marriage to fail. However, it is in the ways in which we deal with our arguments that matter the most (1999). 

Marriage, then, isn’t about avoiding the storms that roll in, but learning how to get through them together. Repair attempts are mechanisms that help a couple repair a speed bump that has hurt their relationship (Gottman, 1999).  I like to think of repair mechanisms as holding an umbrella in a rainstorm. The rain may be inevitable, but that doesn’t mean you have to get wet.

I have a strong testimony of the importance of marriages. I have not been married long-and I know I have a lot to learn-but I do know that marriages are hard work. They do require a constant, fervent effort. They are an unselfish union consisting of two imperfect people.  It may be hard at times, but I know that marriage is worth it. For after all, marriage is not our happily ever after, but it is merely the beginning of it.